Two Hours Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back

I have always enjoyed my visits to the cinema. As a kid, my parents would take my brother and I to the drive-in to see the latest Disney releases. The title didn’t matter it was just fun. Some of the those Disney films like “The Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes” were pretty lame. But I never noticed and certainly didn’t care. As I got older, I would “go to the movies” picking whichever movie was starting at the desired time or what looked like the best of the bunch playing that night. I have, therefore, seen some pretty bad films.

My family and I have had many conversations around the dinner table discussing bad movies. My daughter actually develops animosity towards films that waste her time and money. “That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back” is a frequent phrase she uses. Both kids want to avoid films that might not meet all their expectations. My trips to the theater have grown scarce over the years. I now “go to see Star Trek” or “go to see Up!” and therefore most of the movies I see I am pretty sure I’m going to like.

I was thinking about the worst films that I have paid to see and decided to list the Top 10, in chronological order. So grab a flat soft drink, stale popcorn and some melted chocolate and revisit the best of the worst with me.

Viva Knievel!- 1977
This played with Rocky, which had won Best Picture a few months earlier, in a strange double bill at Lakewood Center. Evel Knievel played a fictional version of himself jumping his motorcycle, fighting drug traffickers and reconciling Gene Kelly and his estranged son. Leslie Nielsen, Lauren Hutton and Frank Gifford also appeared. Evel was a showman but he was no actor. Even if he was, the dialogue was so horrific that even Olivier would have induced laughter. However, this is one of those movies that is so bad it’s good. One night a few years ago I watched this on a Spanish language station. It was even better dubbed in Spanish and I don’t understand the language.


Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band-1978
The Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Earth Wind & Fire, Steve Martin & George Burns starring in a film that is told only using Beatles songs from Sgt. Pepper and Abbey Road. No dialogue at all. Sound interesting? Think again. I admit enjoying the film the first time and returning to throw my money away a second time. By then people were going to see it just to hiss and boo. In the climatic scene where Billy Shears, played by teen magazine cover boy Peter Frampton (think Joe Jonas), is distraught over the death of his sweetheart at the hands of Steven Tyler. As he stood on a ledge contemplating suicide, people in the audience were chanting, “Jump!” in unison. Maybe this is where Van Halen got the idea for their song, Jump!. Billy Shears survived but the film killed Peter Frampton’s career.

Thank God It’s Friday-1978
This was my worst movie experience ever. First, I upset my best friend for bringing a girl along to the guy’s night out. Then “Grease” was supposed to be the word but at Alondra 6 that night it was sold out. We had to settle for this Disco drivel. The threadbare plot about a night at the hottest Disco in town had several interlocking storylines. One included Donna Summer, as an aspiring singer, trying to get her big break. Jeff Goldblum, Debra Winger and the Commodores also starred in this movie that played like a lame episode of The Love Boat. Where was Gopher when we needed him? I disliked Disco with a passion so I was not the target audience. I kept praying for the movie to end. It finally did and then I wished it hadn’t. On the way home, I got my first ticket. I had my license for only a month. The movie did win a Best Song Oscar for Last Dance. I hated it anyway.

Goin’ Coconuts-1978
I actually took a date to see a double bill of Goin’ Coconuts starring Donny & Marie and Jaws 2. I was either the bravest or the dumbest teenage boy. Believe it or not she spoke to me the next day. The plot, if you could call it that, involved Donny & Marie, playing themselves, getting involved in stopping jewel thieves. The story was lame. The jokes were stale, the acting was bad, the direction was lacking and Donny & Marie were…Donny & Marie. What more do I need to say? By the way I blamed Donny & Marie for the brevity of my relationship with the young lady.


Nude Bomb- 1980
Don Adams returned to the role of Maxwell Smart for the first time in a decade in this miserable follow-up to the classic Get Smart TV series. It was fun to see Smart back in action and on the big screen. Get Smart, however, without Agent 99, Hymie, Siegfried or the Chief isn’t really Get Smart. This movie, which reportedly was filmed as a TV movie but released theatrically, only included Max and Larabee from the series. They story concerned a villain who develops a bomb that when detonated destroys clothing. I was treated to this movie as a Birthday present from one of my High School buddies (He forgave me for the TGIF debacle).

"The Nude Bomb/" Opening Titles


Caveman- 1981
A prehistoric leading man vehicle for Ringo Starr. This film had no dialogue in English, just grunts and caveman gibberish. Maybe this is where Mel Gibson got the idea to do Passion Of the Christ in Aramaic. That’s basically all you really need to know. Randy Quaid and Shelly Long co-starred in this and their careers managed to survive. This is the only film I’ve seen that I had to fight to stay awake. The other 4 people in theater lost the fight.

Neighbors- 1981
This film starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd was so disappointing. A comedy that is not funny. Black comedy or not, I did not laugh. The film made a lot a money on opening weekend because it was not shown to reviewers. Once word of mouth got around the film bombed. The story was about neighbors. Bad neighbors. Bad movie. Sadly, Belushi died about 3 months later. This was his last film.

Man With One Red Shoe-1985
Tom Hanks belly flopped in his follow up to Splash. This was an unfunny spy spoof co-starring Jim Belushi, Dabney Coleman and Carrie Fisher. I was expecting so much more. I refuse to wear red shoes to this day in protest.

Harriet The Spy- 1995
I shied away from listing films that we went to see for the kids benefit. Films like Andre, All I Want for Christmas, Spice World, and From Justin to Kelly, etc, could have all been contenders but I enjoyed the family movie going experience so much that I cannot be objective. However this was a film that we took the kids to the drive-in to see and I could not wait for it to be over. Michelle Tratchenberg and Rosie O’Donnell starred in this film about a kid who writes observations down and then loses her notebook.

Carman The Champion- 2001
Christian singer Carman, who was so big at one time, he could go by just one name. Unlike singularly named Cher, Carman did not make a graceful segue into films. His acting was actually not the worst part of this film that recycled plotlines from the first 5 Rocky films. It was painfully predictable and plodding. I saw this with Chris, the kids and my Mom. We were the only ones in the theatre so we could laugh freely at the unintentionally comical scenes.

Year One- 2009
The 11th film in my Top 10. Jack Black, Michael Cera directed by Harold Ramis. I expected to be rolling on the floor laughing. I did no rolling. I did no laughing. Jack Black is always mildly amusing doing anything, however I did not go to see this to be mildly amused. A comedy that did not make me laugh. I chuckled once. At $12 a ticket I need more than that.

I have to say that Viva Knievel was by far the worst of my list. It is also my favorite. Unfortunately there were so many other contenders. What were the worst movies you paid to see?